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gulabjaman

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silly of me [Nov. 14th, 2006|01:52 am]
gulabjaman
[mood |crappycrappy]
[music |one and only - mariah carrey]

me myself and i is all i got in the end
is what i found out and it aint no need to cry
i took a vow that from now on imma be my own best friend
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Around The Way Girl [Oct. 16th, 2006|03:58 pm]
gulabjaman
[mood |amusedamused]
[music |You're Makin' Me High - Toni Braxton]

one word:

epiphany
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no fingers shall be pointed [Oct. 10th, 2006|12:25 pm]
gulabjaman
[mood |sadsad]
[music |Quand tu m'aimes - Charles Aznavour]

so i think i've been a sucky friend. i need to pick up my feet and be a better friend. im too selfish and i need to think more of others and what they feel or might be feeling.
if i dont have friends...then i have nothing.
friendships are important to me and i need to show it. i need to show it or else what good is it if its hidden?
i dont like to think that im a horrible person cause i myself dont like bad people. so i must be the person i hate. and i hate that. (visiou cycle) so i need to be better. to not be that person i dont like. if i can't like myself then who will?
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no sleep [Oct. 2nd, 2006|12:23 am]
gulabjaman
[mood |awake]
[music |me myself and i - beyonce]

i can't sleep
lately since i've taken the non instigator route and decided to do nothing. he's been messaging me, texting me, calling me more. oddly im surprised he picked up pace or whatever. but now i dont know what to think. im taking it as it goes, now its hard not to have any expectations. its hard to take it as it goes.
i wanted to call him or text him tonight. but i didnt.
im so fucked up
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no puedo con el corazón [Sep. 19th, 2006|09:54 am]
gulabjaman
[mood |worriedworried]
[music |malo - bebe]

hmm so things got interesting. text war insued. duration? couple of days. i was happy
then i got jealous over a silly phone call to M
yesterday i talked to P and it was the best convo i had in a while. about me and a bit about otherman. im torn. i honestly am. i cling onto whatever otherman hands me. hints, maybes etc. and i shouldnt. i need to get up on my own. im torturing myself. im riding this emotional rollercoaster.
P told me (as others have) that i shouldnt. and i should let go. and move on. be strong. let go. his loss. feel sorry for him. he's missing out.
for now i just do what i do and have no expectations or hopes. and if something great comes along then whats to stop me.
P said i shouldn't get hung up on one person. which i am. im so hung up.
P said sometimes we look for signs where there aren't any, we see what we want to.
what stings is that i know we could have had something and he didnt do anything about it and i'll be wondering what if, and i shouldnt. if it didnt happen it didnt happen for a reason. im just stubborn and used to getting my way i guess.
P said when you really want something to happen you keep trying for it, its natural, which is what's risky about relationships, it's a two-way street unlike so many other things in your life, the best thing you can do for myself, and he knows this is way easier said than done, is to move past the "ifs" so that i can be ready for the real guy who i'm meant to be with.
P reasured me that i'm not the only one that feels this way (meaning i dont want to be a fling or a call) he said i deserve what i want and i want a real relationship and there's nothing "non-fun" about that.
P told me to be rational not emotional.
only time will tell i guess.
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habibi message [Sep. 10th, 2006|11:25 pm]
gulabjaman
[mood |aggravatedaggravated]
[music |Glow - Nelly Furtado]

why is this soo difficult for me? i shouldn't need another one to move on. thats a bad habit if i get into that.
i dont understand why i can't get out of this cycle.
i hate this. its frustrating.
i want to be optimistic and think "never know what the future will bring" or some shit like that. but as of right now. i dont know. i want to stop thinking about it. why can't i focus on something else? like school. i want good marks. i want to excel.
but im still sad. im not happy. not all the time. fuck it. i dont know anymore.
what to think? can't i stop thinking for once?
i dont want to be unhappy. i want to be happy. i dont want to be depressed. i dont want to feel sad.
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the Zahir [Sep. 4th, 2006|05:10 pm]
gulabjaman
[mood |lazylazy]
[music |All Good Things (Come To An End) - Nelly Furtado]

came back from the UK on thursday (last thursday) and i did a repeat of boxing day 04, brought back tons of sweets.
spent time mostly with family. love the baby. she's all cheeks and i want to bring her back with me.
spent time with j. "give it a few years" is what i was told. who knows. ha, soft spots. and here i was thinking it was just me and he thought nothing more. and i thought he was looking at his mum, not me. ha. who knows.
i like it there.
im glad i decided to go, even if it was just for a week. i needed that break.
im sitting next to the fan and its on and yet i drink hot tea.
classes start tomorrow. im kinda looking forward to it.
talked to z vone yesterday and maybe certain someone just isnt that into me. and i need to move on. his loss. not mine. he fucked up. he had the chance to make a move and didnt. too little too late. ya es hora de esconder del mundo el dolor bajo la piel cause it does sting. cause i know we had something and something could have been great but nothing will happen. and i deserve more than that. im worth so much more. i just want to feel appreciated and wanted and needed.
yo no voy a llorar por ti
i know i'll be ok, just now it sucks. i just hate that i seem to be constantly thinking about it. so i guess thats why im looking forward to school.
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are you gonna miss me? [Aug. 22nd, 2006|12:44 am]
gulabjaman
[mood |indescribable]
[music |Maneater - Nelly Furtado]

all packed up and leavin for london tomorrow (hopefully) for about a week or so
"you're obsessed with a guy who isnt giving anything back" bring on the school then...or that hot brown earls guy...either or...it dont matter
i think i shall relapse this week in the UK and do shopping like boxing day '04
went to eat dessert tonight, went out for dinner last night, saturday i had a 2 am visit until 4. surprised and welcomed though.
need to buy couple of books tomorrow for le voyage
thats all. i shoul sleep. but i dont want to...not yet
nothing else to say right now
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wanna make out? [Aug. 19th, 2006|03:28 am]
gulabjaman
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |Summertime - Beyonce feat. PDiddy]

i think im losing him. i need to capture his attention again.
i should just have fun with him and then hopefully he'll realize.
i should go to UK on tuesday too. going away will be good. he'll realize, hopefully.
i fell so hard for him. im so smitten its insane. i hope he's like that too. i know he was...but is he still? i hope so.
no i should stop thinking and let it be. just go with the flow.
and whatever happens happens.
aaahhhh
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cause i got the pills [Aug. 4th, 2006|11:42 am]
gulabjaman
[mood |crazycrazy]
[music |Days Go By - Dirty Vegas]

yo
my emotions and hormones are seriously out of wack.
i've gone mad.
honestly. i am bloody mad.
hahahaha
shit man. muy loco. muy muy loco
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